Friday, October 7, 2016

10 Months and 3 Loves...

My Boo, 

I am truly at a loss for words that today you are 10 months old, that you have been in my arms for almost a year now.  At times it feels as if I have known you forever, and at other times, I feel like a brand new mother, that you were just placed in my arms.  You are my treasure, and I never imagined how much you would consume my thoughts and prayers.  You came into our world, had us wrapped around your fingers from the moment we saw you, and I knew that my life was just beginning. 

You have given us a renewed hope, the understanding that God has a bigger plan that we could never dream up as this wonderful. There is a wisdom in your smile and the way you experience the world. I love the way you learn something every day, find joy in simply living, and smile so beautifully that you light up the room. I want time to slow down because I know that one day I will have to let you go. And, now, you are almost a year, and I wonder if I do enough every day to prove how much you are loved and wanted? Do you know that my world revolves around you, and I count down the seconds until I get to see you again? If I don't say it enough, know that you are more than loved; you are our purpose. 

We love you more than we love ourselves, and we aren't the only ones who do. You have so many family members and friends who lift you up in love and prayers every single day. You have a Grammy and PaPaw who think you are one of their greatest gifts; you have cousins who fight over who gets to hold and play you with first. You have a Jake and Amy Sue who don't get to see you as much as they'd like because of where they live, but they check on you all of the time, and they are so proud to call you theirs. You have a JJ and Sheesh who take time out of their busy schedules to wrap you in their arms and surround you in love. 

So, if I am not there one day, and you need a shoulder to lean on or arms to wrap you in care, you have many people who will always be on your side, be your biggest fans. And, in this post, because I have witnessed 10 months of love from these people, I want to share the women in your life. 

Amy Sue, your aunt, was there for Mommy when it seems life was falling apart. She was supportive during in the infertility struggle, faithful in prayer, and had an available shoulder to cry on when adoption failed us. She is kind, compassionate, soft-hearted, and a genuine soul who will always protect you and make you feel special. She was at your showers, your parties, your major life milestones. She respects your momma, and she loves unconditionally. When times get tough or you think you can't talk to us, I know that your Amy Sue will welcome you and accept you for all your wonderful qualities. I know that she loves you, is proud of you, and will never let you down.  We are so blessed to have her in our lives, and you have an amazing aunt in Amy Sue. 




Sheesh, your aunt, Ashley, has been Mommy's best friend since the day she was born.  God made us sisters, and becoming best friends was our greatest gift. There is no one like your Sheesh. She is the 
kindest soul, placing others before herself, and never uttering a harsh word towards anyone. She is meek and mild but so strong and courageous. She will make you laugh until it hurts, and she will fill you heart with so much love that it feels as if it can burst. She took care of your mommy during her infertility struggles, and she made sure your mommy was taking care of herself after a failed adoption. She was the first family member to visit you after placement, and she fell in love with you instantly. Your Sheesh will do everything to make your life more beautiful, and I am so proud that you get to call her your aunt. Depend on her, share your life with her, tell her your secrets, and trust that she will never lead you astray.  When Mommy can't be there, your Sheesh will give you the love you deserve. I could not have asked for a better aunt, and we are so blessed to love Sheesh.  She is a beautiful soul, and she is an even more amazing aunt.




Your Grammy, your mommy's mommy, is the greatest woman you will ever know.  She gave your Mommy unconditional love, and she taught me what it means to be a mother.  When I was hurting, she held me and taught me to never give up. When people hurt me, she showed me the protection that only a mother can offer, and she taught me that I never need to worry about the opinions of people I don't need in my life.  She is your number one fan, and she will never let you down.  I promise that she will always understand and appreciate your life decisions, and she will be proud of you no matter where your path leads you.  When you need unconditional love, your Grammy will be there.  When you need compassion, your Grammy will be there.  When you need comfort, or peace, or understanding, your Grammy will be there.  When you need to hear an embarrassing story about your Mommy, your Grammy will gladly share.  Do you know that she prayed for you?  Do you know on the day that we learned that you were ours, that she also had a feeling that we would find you?  I truly believe that God connected your souls before you even knew about each other.  There is something very special about a grandmother, and God gave you the greatest one in the world, your Grammy. We are more than blessed to have her in our lives, and you are so lucky to know that the world's greatest grandma belongs to you-your Grammy holds this title, and she always will. She is the greatest, and your reaction every time you see her proves that you know this too.  We love Grammy, and she loves you.




One day you will understand what we went through to find you, and when you do, you will appreciate even more what Amy Sue, Sheesh, and Grammy have done for you.  They never talked negatively about your parents or let us down in our darkest moments.  They never said a hateful word, and they never left us alone in our suffering.  They continuously lift us up, and they make us proud and excited to allow them to be a part of your life. 

Please remember that family is important, but family does not mean blood or name. Family is simply those people who love and support you unconditionally. And, you, my Boo, have many who love and support you unconditionally.





In two months, you will have given the world an amazing year of experiencing you, and I know that we are so blessed to get to spend your life with you.

Please know that Daddy and I, along with PaPAw, Grammy, Jake, Sue, JJ, Sheesh, Rylie, Kain, Beau, Kash, Jaycie, and Jude, love you truly, unconditionally, and to Heaven and back. Always and forever.

I am so proud to be yours.


Love,

Mom



10 Months and 3 Loves...

My Boo, 

I am truly at a loss for words that today you are 10 months old, that you have been in my arms for almost a year now.  At times it feels as if I have known you forever, and at other times, I feel like a brand new mother, that you were just placed in my arms.  You are my treasure, and I never imagined how much you would consume my thoughts and prayers.  You came into our world, had us wrapped around your fingers from the moment we saw you, and I knew that my life was just beginning. 

You have given us a renewed hope, the understanding that God has a bigger plan that we could never dream up as this wonderful. There is a wisdom in your smile and the way you experience the world. I love the way you learn something every day, find joy in simply living, and smile so beautifully that you light up the room. I want time to slow down because I know that one day I will have to let you go. And, now, you are almost a year, and I wonder if I do enough every day to prove how much you are loved and wanted? Do you know that my world revolves around you, and I count down the seconds until I get to see you again? If I don't say it enough, know that you are more than loved; you are our purpose. 

We love you more than we love ourselves, and we aren't the only ones who do. You have so many family members and friends who lift you up in love and prayers every single day. You have a Grammy and PaPaw who think you are one of their greatest gifts; you have cousins who fight over who gets to hold and play you with first. You have a Jake and Amy Sue who don't get to see you as much as they'd like because of where they live, but they check on you all of the time, and they are so proud to call you theirs. You have a JJ and Sheesh who take time out of their busy schedules to wrap you in their arms and surround you in love. 

So, if I am not there one day, and you need a shoulder to lean on or arms to wrap you in care, you have many people who will always be on your side, be your biggest fans. And, in this post, because I have witnessed 10 months of love from these people, I want to share the women in your life. 

Amy Sue, your aunt, was there for Mommy when it seems life was falling apart. She was supportive during in the infertility struggle, faithful in prayer, and had an available shoulder to cry on when adoption failed us. She is kind, compassionate, soft-hearted, and a genuine soul who will always protect you and make you feel special. She was at your showers, your parties, your major life milestones. She respects your momma, and she loves unconditionally. When times get tough or you think you can't talk to us, I know that your Amy Sue will welcome you and accept you for all your wonderful qualities. I know that she loves you, is proud of you, and will never let you down.  We are so blessed to have her in our lives, and you have an amazing aunt in Amy Sue. 




Sheesh, your aunt, Ashley, has been Mommy's best friend since the day she was born.  God made us sisters, and becoming best friends was our greatest gift. There is no one like your Sheesh. She is the 
kindest soul, placing others before herself, and never uttering a harsh word towards anyone. She is meek and mild but so strong and courageous. She will make you laugh until it hurts, and she will fill you heart with so much love that it feels as if it can burst. She took care of your mommy during her infertility struggles, and she made sure your mommy was taking care of herself after a failed adoption. She was the first family member to visit you after placement, and she fell in love with you instantly. Your Sheesh will do everything to make your life more beautiful, and I am so proud that you get to call her your aunt. Depend on her, share your life with her, tell her your secrets, and trust that she will never lead you astray.  When Mommy can't be there, your Sheesh will give you the love you deserve. I could not have asked for a better aunt, and we are so blessed to love Sheesh.  She is a beautiful soul, and she is an even more amazing aunt.




Your Grammy, your mommy's mommy, is the greatest woman you will ever know.  She gave your Mommy unconditional love, and she taught me what it means to be a mother.  When I was hurting, she held me and taught me to never give up. When people hurt me, she showed me the protection that only a mother can offer, and she taught me that I never need to worry about the opinions of people I don't need in my life.  She is your number one fan, and she will never let you down.  I promise that she will always understand and appreciate your life decisions, and she will be proud of you no matter where your path leads you.  When you need unconditional love, your Grammy will be there.  When you need compassion, your Grammy will be there.  When you need comfort, or peace, or understanding, your Grammy will be there.  When you need to hear an embarrassing story about your Mommy, your Grammy will gladly share.  Do you know that she prayed for you?  Do you know on the day that we learned that you were ours, that she also had a feeling that we would find you?  I truly believe that God connected your souls before you even knew about each other.  There is something very special about a grandmother, and God gave you the greatest one in the world, your Grammy. We are more than blessed to have her in our lives, and you are so lucky to know that the world's greatest grandma belongs to you-your Grammy holds this title, and she always will. She is the greatest, and your reaction every time you see her proves that you know this too.  We love Grammy, and she loves you.




One day you will understand what we went through to find you, and when you do, you will appreciate even more what Amy Sue, Sheesh, and Grammy have done for you.  They never talked negatively about your parents or let us down in our darkest moments.  They never said a hateful word, and they never left us alone in our suffering.  They continuously lift us up, and they make us proud and excited to allow them to be a part of your life. 

Please remember that family is important, but family does not mean blood or name. Family is simply those people who love and support you unconditionally. And, you, my Boo, have many who love and support you unconditionally.




In two months, you will have given the world an amazing year of experiencing you, and I know that we are so blessed to get to spend your life with you.

Please know that Daddy and I, along with PaPAw, Grammy, Jake, Sue, JJ, Sheesh, Rylie, Kain, Beau, Kash, Jaycie, and Jude, love you truly, unconditionally, and to Heaven and back. Always and forever.

I am so proud to be yours.


Love,

Mom



Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Finally FOREVER...

As I write today about being Finally FOREVER, the lyrics, "Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride" play through my mind. I never would have dreamt that I would have experienced so much in 3 years, and I still can't believe that we made it out stronger than ever. There were times when I thought the trials were going to break me, make me give up on what my heart yearned for, but there was a peace and a hope that allowed me to press on.




In December, my heart's desire was granted with my perfect Boo! He had a rough start at life, but he is so strong and proved that nothing could hold him down. I had a rough January from the unfortunate absence at one of Amos's baby shower and then his breathing episode towards the end of the month. I thank my God every day for His grace and guidance through those moments.



February through March went by, and it seemed that life could not get any better. My Boo was meeting and surpassing every developmental milestone, and he was becoming such a momma's boy! My heart was bursting. I returned to work in April, and my sweet mother, Amos's favorite Grammy, became his caregiver. Within a week, he was no longer a momma's boy and was practically pushing me away when I dropped him off each morning. "Leave me be, woman! I'm with my Grammy!" I loved it and hated it at the same time. 😉 I was so thankful that my Boo had someone who loved him as much as I did, and I knew he was going to return to me more spoiled every day. And, I was right!

But, April turned out to be a really rough month for me. My beloved grandfather, my Pa, went to be with the Lord at 87 years young. He had a beautiful life, filled with love and family, and we knew he was ready for his eternal resting place in glory, but it didn't mean that we were ready to let him go. I am so thankful that God gave my Amos some time with Pa, and I am humbled at the love my Pa shared with my Boo during those few months. Love is love in this family, and my family has shown Amos so much of their love.



Soon summer came, and I was reunited with my Amos! Finally! We had every day together again! Summer meant late nights spent cuddling, days spent with cousins and family, and time spent together. We made it a summer to remember! Amos turned 6 months in June, and he celebrated with cousins---while momma secretly cried at how big he is getting. July came fast, and July meant finalization!



We planned a trip to Texas (where Finalization was taking place) with family. We spent a few nights at the Jellystone Park in a cabin that my nephews, Kain and Kash, described as the "best place ever." We swam, ate pizza, played games, visited a water park, watched the Rangers, snacked on treats, celebrated Amos turning 7 months (I don't want to talk about it) and partied all day and night! Finalization was on Friday, July 8th, and I'm not sure who was more excited, us or the rest of the family. Amos's cousins had even planned an escape in case the judge said no...Kain, Kash, and Beau were going to take Amos and run; Rylie was in charge of distractions, and Jaycie was left to "punch that judge in the face." There wasn't a position for Jude, but I'm pretty confident that his job would be to spit up on the floor to distract with Ry. 😂 There is no doubt that Amos's cousins love him intensely and would do anything that it takes to protect him.














During finalization, Denton and I were joined by our families, and the judge required them to swear in as well. Watching his cousins, from 4 months to 9 years (yes, even Jude participated), raise their hands and promise to love Amos forever and ever made my heart burst! There is nothing more joyous than witnessing my Boo be accepted and loved like he is. Once the judge declared us a legal and official family, the party didn't end at the courthouse. My family celebrated with a lunch at the Gaylord Texan resort, and we had a wonderful time spending our first time together as a complete family.





Many probably think we have been a complete family once we had Amos in December, but the language used in finalization proved otherwise and really hit home. We were told up until that day our obligation to Amos was only moral, and there was nothing we could do to stop the agency or court from taking him from us. But, on July 8th, the agency, our lawyer, and the judge were giving us our greatest joy: the legal and official rights to be Amos's parents. The power of this was overwhelming. He became ours that day; our WolfPack gained a third member, and life was wonderful!









Finalization day was one of my favorite parts of this journey, but on our way home that night, my heart kept aching for his birth mother. I think about her daily; I see her beauty in Amos, and I know that his sweet smile and joyous eyes are resemblances of her. I wish it were easier to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I respect and love her. My words will never be enough to express the sincere respect and admiration I have for her. She proved to me what it means to be a mother: selfless sacrifice by putting her child's needs before her own desires and wants. I prayed for her before I even knew about her, and everything I asked for is what she represents. God hears prayers, and He always proves faithful. What a blessing she is to us, and I always pray that we can be blessings to her. For those of you who pray, please take a moment right now to pray for my Boo's birth mother; she is a woman who means so much to our family.



To my Amos, you never asked for this journey, and you will never know anything but love from your family. Your world was beautiful before we found you, and I promise that we will do whatever it takes to make your world just as beautiful with us. You were born to a great mother who loved you so selflessly that she chose to grace our world with you. She loved you, and she knew that your life was meant to be part of ours.  I promise you that I will always hold you in my arms with tenderness, genuine love, and strong protection. I will share your birth mother with you, and I will express the love that we both have for your sweet soul. I will teach you about Jesus and share that Jesus is the only way all of our paths crossed, and I will do everything I can to teach you how to be a gentleman, strong and proud, loving and peaceful, brave and intelligent, a genuine person who makes society and those you love lives more meaningful. I will never fail to remind you about your birth mother's  beauty, strength, bravery, compassion, amazing resilience, selfless love, sacrifice, power, and
genuine love for you. Amos, you amaze me. You are smart, so funny, and loving. I see sweet joy in your eyes, and I cherish every cuddle, hug, and kiss. You make me a better person, and I promise that I will make you proud as your mother.



I am so thankful to give you a large, extended family who believe you are so amazing and what we were always missing; you have cousins who are always going to be your best friends-Rylie, Kain, Beau, Kash, Jaycie, and Jude. You have your Grammy and PaPaw, and I'm so happy to give you your uncles, Jake and JJ, and your aunts, Amy Sue and Ashley. You have so many great aunts, great uncles, great cousins, and great grandparents. You have an extended family who loves you fiercely! You have your birth mother, and you have me and Daddy. You have my friends who are more like family who bring a strong prayer force with them! Your birth mother gave you life and a beautiful world. We must always wrap her in our love because she created our love!





Amos, you gave me joy I never knew existed; you fulfilled my dream and purpose; you gave me my glow. Thank you for being my Boo, thank you for being the most precious soul I have ever met. You have brightened my entire existence and made me whole. There is no place I would rather be...



To family and friends who have been with us through every choice, every step, every heart ache and joy, every setback and every step forward, we thank you. Thank you for your support and love, and thank you for believing in our dream and journey. We would never have survived it without you! One day, we hope to start this journey again, so we ask for your prayers and support...

We thank you, and we LOVE you! Always...



Friday, March 4, 2016

Better Than That...

To the Person Who Broke My Heart...


There was a special day planned just for my Boo, one that was centered around his arrival and placement in our family, one that I had prayed about for so many years.  I know that I am not the only woman who dreamt about her baby shower, imagining how exciting and beautiful it would be to witness the numerous people there just to support my upcoming child.  But, life gave me a different path, and I did not get the typical baby shower.  My baby came into my life before my the shower, and I would not change it for the world.




My aunts so selflessly and lovingly planned a shower for my Boo, one that was for the people who I thought were just as excited about our newly formed family as we were.  But, you chose not to come; you chose not to even tell me or the women hostessing the event that you were not coming.  My family and my friends were expecting your presence, and when you did not show, I had to answer the tough questions.  I had to tell them that you chose not to come because you did not want to, and they hurt for me.  My aunt had to witness me crying on her shoulder, and she was forced to console her grieving niece when she should have been celebrating the newest addition to our awesome and loving family.  But, my aunt was there for me, and she stepped up in your absence and failure.  I had to put on a brave face and pretend that this was not looming over my shoulder because the day was not about me at all; it was about my sweet precious Boo who deserved to have everyone who loves him there, and in a way, I guess he did.  I wanted the room filled with those who supported our journey and our decisions, and I learned that day who was with us all the way.  But, you should have been there because my perfect soul, the one I begged God for, came into this world full of innocence and love, and he deserves so much more than what he was given that day.  He may never know you didn't show up to his celebration of life, but his parents know, his family knows, and my parents, his accepting grandparents, know.  And, now, I am faced with protection of his sweet heart because I will NEVER let him feel what I felt that day.  He will never face the heartache of knowing that you weren't there for him, that you chose not to celebrate his place in our family.


A little over a month has passed since this day, and you never gave an apology or an explanation why you chose this. And, I wonder if you even remember...

Do you not remember the negative pregnancy tests?  the numerous negative tests?  We cried every month; we lost sleep every night, and we prayed for answers and help.  Our world was hell, and we had no idea how we would ever create a family.  Things were falling apart, and we were in desperate need of help.

Do you not remember the diagnosis of infertility for me and Denton?  the utter devastation of the word, infertility? my lazy ovaries and his incompetent little swimmers?  Do you not remember the fear of this? Oh, my gosh, how we cried and doubted and struggled.  We were without answers, and we were scared.  We need family and friends, and we needed faith.  And, we came together, and we made decisions that we knew were best for us.

Do you not remember the fertility treatments? the clomid? the tank? We learned that we would never conceive as a couple, and we made the tough decision to use donor sperm.  Do you not remember the financial burdens this posed?  Do you not remember us praying over which donor to use and how to explain this to a child?  We were in a difficult position, but we prayed and followed our hearts.

Do you not remember the IUIs? the 2 week waits?  Do you not remember us telling you about the physical pain an IUI causes?  the embarrassment of having to create a child through scientific methods and being judged by so many people?  We were so hopeful, but we never received a positive outcome.

Do you not remember the negative pregnancy tests from these IUIs? the complete devastation we experienced after these moments?  We cried every night, and we had no idea how we would move on from this.  We grieved, but we knew there had to be a reason for this.

Do you not remember the search for an adoption agency and the fears because of the financial burdens this posed?  Do you not remember the meetings and the paperwork and the invasion of privacy just for the chance to be considered an adoptive couple?

Do you not remember the failed placement?  the awareness that we were parents for almost a week but have that sweet baby ripped from our world?  Do you not remember how that ruined our faith for awhile? Do you not remember how we grieved the loss of a child?  We loved that baby so much; we named him, and we were prepared to bring him home.  Do you not remember the horror we experienced in this?

Do you not remember our wait and the pain every morning without a child brought us?  Do you not remember how we begged God to hear us?

Do you not remember the elation and joy we felt that day?  We were the parents of a baby boy who was meant just for us!  Do you not remember that we said every single negative pregnancy test, dollar spent, broken heart, tear, and painful moment was more than worth it?  Do you not remember that we said all of the hell we experienced was more than worth it just to have Boo in our family?

And, the truth is that I know you remember.  I know you understand every single moment of this journey was hell for us, and I know you remember we experienced things in life that no couple should ever face.  So, why did you choose to add more heartache and pain to our journey and story?  I will never understand your decision, and because I am human, I will probably never accept your decision.  Forgiveness is something I must give to free myself, so I forgive you, but I know that to be honest to myself, my ability to forgive does not mean that I will forget.


We had another shower given by more of my aunts, and that one didn't bring any heartache like the first one did.  I was able to celebrate with joy because I finally realized that I didn't need someone there who didn't want to be there.  It didn't take me long to realize that I had all I needed...




I forgive you, but I will never forget this.  It was supposed to be a beautiful day of love and celebration of my sweet Boo, but your decision took some of that away.



I pray every night for God to help me let go of the pain from that day, and I know that I get better every day.  But, it isn't for you; it is for me.  When I look at my son, the one person I fought like hell to find, I realize that nothing can take away my joy of being his mother,  I will continue to make decisions to protect him and surround him with unconditional and never ending love.  He will experience life around people I know who accept his mother, his father, and our decisions.  He deserves the most amazing life ever, and with the help of his father and God, we will do just that.

Boo deserved better from you that day...and, I made a promise from that day on that he would get better than that.


When You don't move the mountains I'm needing you to move
When You don't part the waters I wish I could walk through 
When You don't give the answers as I cry out to you You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You...